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The Tabloid News Edition 10
'FROM THE EDITOR ' At long last, the three people who give a damn can read the newest edition of The Tabloid News. Why has it taken so long? Because writing a Tabloid takes a lot of time from my normal activities of sitting around, doing nothing, and listening to my favorites episodes of Lum and Abner, Life of Riley, Fibber McGee and Molly, and The Shadow on the ol’ Philco radio. I’d rather have a Raleigh, but Camel cigarettes satisfy my “T” zone. Anyway, on with the news. 'SYNDA SEEN ON A DATE ' Local lady Synda was seen at a fancy sidewalk café having lunch with Big Foot. The large hairy creature was entertaining a fictional beast. Take your pick on who’s who. Sources say Big Foot had been calling her for weeks, and finally swayed her when he made a mix-record of all her favorite songs. “He might be ugly and hairy on the outside,” Synda said, “but he has a really big bank account, which is all that matters.” 'NEWEST MADE MAN SHOCKER ' The newest Made Man was announced in hushed tones in dark, smoke filled back rooms, and The Tabloid News is here to tell you that The Loch Ness Monster is the newest Made Man. Godfather of Glasgow, Don Fergus “Bagpipes” MacAndrews gave Nessie this auspicious title, and expects it to run a good, profitable crew. Other Street Bosses hoping to get Made gave Nessie proper respect in tribute, including Dracula, Casper the Friendly Ghost, the Abominable Snow Man, and Miguel. 'MODESY BLAISE A VAMPIRE ' After careful and lengthy investigation, we’ve discovered Modest Blaise is a vampire. Reporters from The Tabloid News stole, I mean, investigated her dental records, and found an unusual shape about her teeth. Also, our undercover man posed as a waiter at her favorite steak house, and as we suspected, she ordered her steak extra rare with a Bloody Mary. She was also seen teaching math at a local school, and laughing every time she counted a few numbers. She also lives in a creepy house with bats in her belfry, literally, not figuratively. According to our copy of “Guide To Vampires” by Anastacia Beaverhausen, Modesty Blaise is 100% vampire. That, and all her ex-boyfriends say she liked to bite their necks. Then again, Synda’s ex’s say the same thing. Synda must be a vampire, too! 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red, I recently made a questionable business deal concerning my age and health. What should I do? Signed D. Gray ----------------------------------------- Dear Dorian, Take damned good care of that portrait. Get a nice little frame for it, too. Red ------------------------------------------ Dear Red, All my friends make fun of me. They call me names. They tease me. They pick on me. What should I do? Signed, DmnDirtyApes --------------------------------------- Dear Apes, What friends? Red ---------------------------------------- Dear Red, My roommate keeps wetting the bed. What should I do? Signed Pezz ------------------------------------- Dear Pezz, Stop dipping Apes’ hand into a bowl of warm water. Red ----------------------------------------- Dear Red, Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and in addition to horrible memories of a massacre, I will probably not have a date. How can I fix that? Signed, Mr. P. --------------------------------------- Dear Boss, Do what you always do, pull out Dick Gozinya’s little black book, and pick a name at random. You know they’re always ready for a good time. Red 'MR. PICKLES FINDS 7 MORE COMMANDMENTS ' While Mr. Pickles was on vacation in Arabia found 7 more commandments Moses apparently dropped on the way down from Mt. Sinai. After carefully cataloguing them with the U.S. Archeological Association, Mr. Pickles is publishing them for the first time ever since God spoke to Moses in The Tabloid News. 1) Honor Mr. Pickles in all thou doest 2) Thine female virgins upon their 18th birthday shall be offered unto Mr. Pickles as a sacrifice. 3) Thou shalt pay unto Mr. Pickles 10% of thy wealth on the first day of every week. 4) Thou shalt subscribe to The Tabloid News and read it daily. 5) Speak not ill of Mr. Pickles or the wrath of god shall smite thee. 6) Concerning the breath of Mr. Pickles, only the penitent man will pass. 7) Remember Mr. Pickle’s birthday and give him presents. Religious scholars are quite skeptical at the new addition to the commandments and question why they are written on a cocktail napkin, and not the traditional stone tablets. Also, they wonder why they were written in English instead of Hebrew. Mr. Pickles had no comment.